Here is a short summary of the blog post “Raising a moral child”.

Praise effort vs. ability? Praise effort!

Praise effort rather than ability: children develop a stronger work ethic and become more motivated.

A quarter to half of our propensity to be giving and caring is inherited. That’s significant, but still leaves enough room for nurture.

Praise vs. rewards? Praise!

To reinforce caring as the right behavior, praise is more effective than rewards. Rewards run the risk of leading children to be kind only when a carrot is offered, whereas praise communicates that sharing is intrinsically worthwhile for its own sake.

Praise character vs. actions? Praise character!

Praising their character helps children internalize it as part of their identities. The children learn who they are from observing their own actions: I am a helpful person.

“Be a helper” was more effective than inviting children “to help”. “Don’t be a cheater” was more effective than “don’t cheat”.

Praising character is most effective around the age of 8, when children start to crystalize their identities.

Reacting to bad behavior

Shame vs. guilt: guilt!

Shame is the feeling that I am a bad person, whereas guilt is the feeling that I have done a bad thing. Shame is a negative judgment about the core self, which is devastating: Shame makes children feel small and worthless, and they respond either by lashing out at the target or escaping the situation altogether. In contrast, guilt is a negative judgment about an action, which can be repaired by good behavior. When children feel guilt, they tend to experience remorse and regret, empathize with the person they have harmed, and aim to make it right.

If we want our children to care about others, we need to teach them to feel guilt rather than shame when they misbehave.

Expressing disappointment and explaining

The most effective response to bad behavior is to express disappointment. Parents raise caring children by expressing disappointment and explaining why the behavior was wrong, how it affected others, and how they can rectify the situation. This enables children to develop standards for judging their actions, feelings of empathy and responsibility for others, and a sense of moral identity, which are conducive to becoming a helpful person.

Teaching by example

Children learn by action. Actions speak louder than words. You need to act as a role model to be one.

The most powerful effect is by teaching by example and not talking about it.